I never would have thought as long as I live, I would have to make this kind of decision. A decision that determines life or death. As a muslim, I strongly believe that life and death lies in the hands of Allah. However, we were forced to make a decision at that point and we consulted religious bodies and also asked for numerous medical opinions. This is my abortion story.
7 WEEKS ULTRASOUND
During my first ultrasound session, when I was about 7 weeks pregnant. My expected due date was supposed to be on 19th June 2017. At that point, Baby Khayr's heartbeat was too weak. Gynae told us to come back soon for another check up. After a week or so, his heartbeat was within the normal range.
14 WEEKS ULTRASOUND
My gynae detected Baby Khayr's neck was on the thicker side. During previous ultrasounds, he did mention about the thickness which was a concern but it could also be nothing. He told us it could mean many different things. The most pressing one would be down syndrome. He said there were also many other syndromes that will present themselves similarly.
With heavy hearts, we went for the Oscar scan. They took my blood and did a thorough scan. The technician told us that the neck thickness was way thicker than it should be. The results came and my ratio was 1:138, my gynae said that there's a high chance that baby would have some kind of syndrome. He adviced us to go for further tests like the amnio where they excrete liquid from the womb to further identify the syndrome if we want to keep the baby.
Wan and I had a long discussion and decided that we would want to keep the baby. I don't have the heart to abort the baby even with the thought that he (by then we knew that it was a boy) would have some kind of syndrome. Thus, we see no point in going for further tests and hope that baby was growing well.
20 WEEKS ULTRASOUND
It all started going downhill from here. They checked for cleft lips and other abnormalities. His abnormalities were too complexed that they had to schedule me for a specialist visit. We went to see the specialist the following day and the report broke my heart. I could hear my heart breaking every single time the specialist opened his mouth as he described what he saw during the ultrasound.
This was part of the report;
It was so complex that the specialist referred us to other specific specialists like heart and brain specialists at different hospitals. On top of that, we needed to visit heart and brain surgeons as well. My gynae told us that my placenta was very low and was thickened at 5.7cm; the normal full grown placenta being at only 4cm. Mind you, I was only 20 weeks along at that point.
Gynae said that I could bleed badly if I were to carry baby to full term. Not to mention that baby will not survive till full term or will pass away right after birth given his conditions. Btw, I have thalassemia and had a previous cesarean so if I were to bleed, it will be bad.
He said Baby Khayr's condition was rare in Singapore.
After many medical and religious opinions, we decided that we had to abort the pregnancy to prevent any bleeding which could be dangerous for me. You have no idea how difficult it was for me. For your info, Baby Khayr was already kicking and moving around and I could feel him every single time. I was scared, confused, heartbroken and reluctant all at the same time. I felt like as if no one understood my pain.
How can I do that to my baby? I was so stressed and spent most of my time staring into literally nothing. Wan was worried about me and my mental health.
MONDAY (6/2/2017)
We had to go for an abortion counseling which is mandatory here. The nurse listened to my story with sad eyes and told me that I was very brave.
48 hours after that, we had to start the process of abortion. Since mine was a mid trimester abortion, they had to induce me with 2 cytotec pills every 3 hourly; vaginally, until baby is out through normal delivery.
So each insertion was two pills. After 6 or 7 insertions(I honestly cannot remember), 1 cycle is completed.
WEDNESDAY (8/2/2017)
1:30pm
To start the abortion process, gynae told me to eat 2 pills at 6am and 10am respectively. I started having light cramps and bled at 7am.
We went to the hospital to get ourselves admitted. We got a room (had to be single bedder as they needed to insert pills frequently) and they started giving me cytotec pills. I was told to eat the pills every 3 hourly. My cramps got worse and I was bleeding heavily by then.
I had diarrhea the whole time and vomited once. I went to the toilet too many times that only water came out and it was very very painful.
9pm
My gynae came and stretched my cervix. He manually stretched my cervix. OMG. I have never ever experienced that kind of pain and it was easily the worse pain ever (Even worse than actual labour in my opinion).
By then, I have completed 1 cycle of cytotec pills. He ordered for the pills to be inserted vaginally for the second cycle to prevent diarrhea and vomiting. My cramps escalated through the night and I was groaning all the way. I couldn't sleep.
THURSDAY(9/2/2017)
8.45am
Gynae came to check in the morning and was shocked that I was only 1cm dilated. He told me that cases like mine will only take around 3-5 insertions of cytotec to deliver. Which means only about 10 cytotec pills at most.
9pm
I had already gone through 2 cycles of cytotec pills, which was plus minus about 24 pills. To be honest, I was in so much pain I wasn't even counting.
My gynae came by and checked but I was still 1cm dilated. Guess what?? He had to stretch my cervix again. Apparently I have a very stubborn cervix. I was in so much pain. I was literally kicking and shouting when he stretched my cervix. A nurse had to hold down my legs just so he can do his job.
That night, I broke down and cried.
I cried because I was still very scared.
I cried because my body hurts from all the contractions and bleeding.
I cried because my cervix felt like no words could describe from numerous pills insertion and manual stretching of cervix.
I cried because my body felt like giving up.
I cried because despite all that, Baby Khayr was still kicking and moving inside me.
I finally asked for whatever painkillers they could give me. Btw, no epidural or laughing gas is allowed for abortion. You are just given pills to relax your muscles. Your contractions will still make you cry. I couldn't sleep. Again.
FRIDAY (10/2/2017)
9am
I begged for the gynae to not stretch my cervix. My gynae was in shock because after 2 cycles, baby would have been out. I asked what were my options. He told me I could either go home and come back to start the third cycle OR they can start again at noon and see what happens.
I wanted to go home. My body couldn't take it anymore. They told me the risks that came with my choice. I was 2cm dilated, bleeding with contractions every few minutes. They gave me all the emergency numbers and told me what to look out for.
I couldn't think straight. I just wanted to go home. Wan respected my decision and we reached home about noon. I actually fell asleep the moment I reached home.
SATURDAY & SUNDAY (11/2/2017 - 12/2/2017)
I rested at home. I was still bleeding but my contractions grew further apart. I could sleep. Baby Khayr was still kicking and moving. I moped around staring at nothing again. I kept thinking of my baby.
Am I doing the right thing? I tried to prepare myself mentally of what's to come but I just couldn't.
Am I doing the right thing? I tried to prepare myself mentally of what's to come but I just couldn't.
I was supposed to readmit myself on Monday midnight to start the cycle again.
MONDAY (13/2/2017)
11:30pm
Monday came. I felt like running away. The pain and bleeding was still strong but not as bad as before. Wan talked to me and told me to keep praying. Be strong for everybody but I don't know if I could.
TUESDAY (14/2/2017)
3am
They started the third cycle. I was in so much pain after that. The contractions came every few mins and even stronger than before. I couldn't eat, drink or talk.
7pm
A senior nurse came to check my cervix. She told me that she couldn't feel anything which could mean that my cervix was still not open or wide open.
9pm
My gynae came and checked my cervix. He told me I was still 2cm dilated and I begged him not stretch. He looked really worried and told me that I was his first patient that needed 3 cycles and still did not dilate.
2am
He told the nurses to start the fourth cycle. I was in so much pain that a few nurses had to come in and check my cervix but surprise surprise I still wasn't dilating. I couldn't even look up to see whoever that was entering my room. Sounds I heard felt so distant. I was begging and groaning. The nurses gave my gynae a call and he told them to stop insertion of cytotec pills for now.
WEDNESDAY (15/2/2017)
8am
My gynae came to check my cervix but I was really in pain and I begged him not to. I could see that he was also worried and hurried. He told us that he called many of his doctor friends asking for advices as many of them haven't had a case like mine. Very rare, he said.
He was rushing off for a surgery and told me that the nurses will start the fourth cycle of cytotec insertion whenever I'm ready. I could sense that he was getting impatient with me or maybe it was just me. He told me that I'm just delaying the process.
The moment he went out of the room, Wan started telling me angrily that I'm doing this to myself. That I'm making everyone anxious. That I needed to think of Adam(he has been at my inlaws since a week ago). That I needed to think to think about everyone else around me. That I'm just being selfish.
At that moment, I felt like throwing him out the window so that he would shut up but I knew he was right. I needed to be strong. For myself. For people around me. I told myself that this has to end one way or another. I gathered whatever strength and courage left in my body.
10am
I told the nurses to start the fourth cycle.
12pm
My gynae called and told me that I'm too far in the process to give up. He said I'm 2cm dilated and I can do this. He said that he will come over soon to check my cervix and needed to stretch it again if I'm still not dilated. I said OK, teary eyed.
3pm
He came and checked my cervix. As usual, a nurse had to hold me down while I tried to wriggle free kicking away at everything, including the doctor. At the same time, I shouted out loud, "I CAN DO THIS!"
And guess what, my gynae replied while stretching my cervix, "YES YOU CAN!"
After what felt like ten thousand years, I felt a warm gush of water down my legs. I looked down and saw blood. I heard my gynae heaved a sigh of relief as he said, "I burst your water bag."
He told us that my placenta was so low that he could only feel my placenta and nothing else. He had to 'dig' around to burst my water bag.
After that, I was delusional. The pain was too much. My menses pain is usually a 10, that was a 13 maybe? Turns out that labour pain isn't too far away from my menses pain but the thing was that I had cramps, both bad and mild for a week and it was too much for my body. So by the time the actual hardcore labour came, I was ready to pass out.
It was too painful that I literally started pushing during every contraction. I felt kinda angry and determined. I just wanted everything to end. I don't know how long I pushed but I started to feel a strong pressure on my cesarean wound and my back.
Then it happened.
When the nurse checked my blood pressure(every hour) and I was groaning like a mad woman, I felt something trying to squeeze out of my down under. Wan stopped the nurse in her tracks, "Err, I think something is coming out!!"
Everything after that was blurry. All I remember was that I kept pushing non stop. I heard a nurse told me to stop and gather my strength before every push. I kept on pushing and pushing. I heard many more people coming into the room. I kept my eyes shut but once in a while I opened them and I saw many hands flying around in a frenzy.
After what felt like forever, I took a deep breath and gave it my all. I pushed Baby Khayr out.
I immediately collapsed backwards, eyes still tightly shut. I felt someone carried Baby Khayr away from me. I looked and saw so much blood. Just blood and more blood.
Baby Khayr had already passed away and it was about 6.20pm. He was about the size of my forearm.
I honestly didn't know when Baby Khayr passed away. The past couple of hours was so painful that I couldn't even feel even if there were movements.
Blood kept gushing out even after everything. The nurses had to collect the bedsheet to weigh my blood and everything that came out. They then rushed me to the operation theatre to flush out my insides. Thank goodness I was under anesthesia the whole time.
By the time I was awake, they were done with the procedure.
I was told that I needed to stay the night for them to monitor my condition after the flushing out process.
THURSDAY (16/2/2017)
Although everything was over, I still felt uneasy. I couldn't sleep the whole night. I had a catheter in me and also a vagina pad or whatever they call it (i think it was a few metres long inside and the pulling out process was torturous) .
During the whole night, my blood pressure was fine it's just that my pulse rate kept rising. The normal range for contractions of heart Beat Per Minute(bpm) is 60 - 100bpm.
6am
A nurse came to remove my catheter and the vaginal thingy. At that point, my pulse rate was 153bpm. Apparently, that was too dangerous that I could collapse and die.
My gynae's face went pale and he called in a few nurses to run ECG test and take my blood for samples. In a few seconds, about 8 people rushed in and out of my room. People were pressing my veins and my tummy. I could feel my heart beating so loudly in my ears and around my neck.
After blood test result came back, it turns out that I had lost too much blood and I needed a blood transfusion. They had to match my blood and the blood had to be delivered from another hospital which will take about 4 hours. They put me on drip while waiting and told me that I was dehydrated because I didn't eat and drink for 2 days.
11am
Wan had to go and settle the burial process for Baby Khayr. My sis came over to keep me sane.
1pm
I prayed for Baby Khayr and for myself. After going through so much, I had to go through blood transfusion. I was given one bag of blood but my pulse was still dangerously high. By then Wan was back.
8pm
Again, many nurses buzzed in and out. I then had to wait for another bag to reach me because I still needed more blood.
The second bag of blood finished about 11pm. My pulse rate had gone down but it was still higher than normal, at 120bpm. They told me to sleep and rest.
That night, I just slept. I was too tired. At last my body was free from all wires and tubes, catheter and cloths and whatnot. I remembered opening my eyes when the nurses checked my pulse rate every hour but that was it. I was flat.
FRIDAY (17/2/2017)
6am
I woke up and the nurse told me my pulse rate had gone down to 98bpm when I was asleep. I heard Wan heaved a sigh of relief. Or maybe it was fatigue. My gynae came and told me that it was still high but because I have thalassemia and had major blood lost, I had to take iron tablets from then on.
I was sent home.
I reached home about 2pm. Wan and I immediately crashed. We were so tired.
We rested the whole of Saturday. We took Adam back on Sunday. I missed him so much.
Fast forward;
a week has passed. I still cry about it. I have no idea how to get over it. I have no idea where I got the strength to survive one full week of contractions and bleeding. Time will heal this scar and pain but I will never forget. It felt so surreal, like it was all a bad dream.
I keep thinking that Baby Khayr is out there alone, small and scared.
I keep reminding myself that I have so much to live for.
I keep reminding myself that I have very supportive families.
I keep reminding myself that I have very supportive families.
I keep telling myself that Allah will not give us more than we can handle.
This was a test for us.
Baby Khayr was given to us for a period of 23 weeks and he went away to wait for us in Jannah. Maybe it is not the time yet for us to meet him, hold him, sing to him, listen to his cries and laughters and play with him. Our time will come. I know.
Please keep KHAYR BIN KHAIRUL SYAZWAN in your prayers.
Till then, I will cry because I deserve to cry. Mama, Ayah and Adam will always love you.
Till we meet again Baby Khayr (15/2/2017) InshaaAllah,
Mama.
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