Assalamu'alaikum.
Today was a wet and gloomy day. For some reason, I loved it. There were continuous lightnings and thunders. Adam shook in fear every time there was thunder. Surprisingly, he didn't cry. For iftar today, we went to my inlaws'. Loved it, Alhamdulillah. I love it when the whole family sits on the floor and eat together. Call me old-fashioned but it warms my heart.
I'm not ready to lose anybody I love. I think no one is. I think about these things too much. When I was in my late teens, I saw Wan lose his father. It affected him alot but he was so brave and strong. I told him if I was in his shoes, I would just breakdown and shun everyone away. During those days, I always question myself if I should migrate alone. That way, my relationship with my family and my loved ones with be distant. So if anyone leaves me, I would not be as affected. That thought bothered me. Am I really that weak and afraid to the extend that I prepared to leave everyone behind?
Then as I grew older, I realised that I want to spend time with my family and my loved ones. I want to see them grow. I want to have these memories when they are gone. Yes, I'm going to be a hot mess but it will be worth it. I'm not ready myself. I still need to collect points for my ticket to Jannah. I still need many more Ramadhans to ask for forgiveness.
Argh. Sometimes when I look at Adam, I feel jealous. Not a care in the world. No need to think about all these issues. Just love for Mama and Ayah.
Ok, I'm tearing up,
Ja
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